In a debate far greater than “Xmen vs the Justice League”, a team of lawyers went to court to present the following point: Marvel’s X-men action figures are “toys” and not “dolls.” The reason being that dolls imported from China have a hire tariff than imported Chinese toys.

Now comes the fun part. “Dolls” were defined as being representations of humans. This means the lawyers had to convince the courts that the X-men were not human, so their action figures were not representations of people.

Initially I though, Duh. The X-Men are not dolls: they are action figures, except for Prof Xavier, he sort of stays in his chair.

I feel like this is an optic blast to the face of 75 years of Charles Xavier’s dream for human/mutant equality. I can understand Beast not being human anymore because of the blue fur, but what about Wolverine? Are we going to say he’s not human just because he’s, y’know…Canadian? I mean yeah, no human has claws or a healing factor like that (although if that were the Canadian Health Care Plan, I’d be moving North in a heartbeat.) Cyclops is certainly human, albeit visually impaired. But the mutants are one of the most eclectic groups in the Marvel Universe: they are Native Americans, clones, aliens, robots, Deadpool, Atlanteans, Russian and even…what the Hell did we decide Nightcrawler was again? How can we spit in the face of their decades-long battle for representation and acceptance?

Granted, the X-Men are fictitious, I accepted this years ago after much counseling, but they are still the X-MEN. Their core stories and struggles about social acceptance have long paralleled the Civil Rights movement of the 1960′s, and even today they continue to fight for their right to their island home, Utopia. But since their enemies couldn’t crush them in their home like Manifest Destiny, it appears they now attempt to revoke the X-Men’s humanity through the only known means that is immune to the Fastball Special: bureaucratic. And to add an apocalyptic strife to this sinister injury? Marvel Comics allowed and paid for this trial.

How can Marvel’s lawyers throw away the very principles of these beloved characters just to save money on toys? I mean, Toys ‘R’ Us has coupons, and Emma Frost is a trust fund baby – I’m sure if she won’t loan, then Tony Stark or Reed Richards would be willing to pitch in a few bucks. Lord knows they both owe Wolverine for something.

What is the truly Jean Grey-killing saddest part is that this case went on for 10 years. 10 years the courts debated again and again if Bobby Drake deserved the name ICE MAN. They sought on Marvel’s behalf to strip the Xmen of their basic identity. I am reminded of the classic scene from the 90′s Xmen cartoon in which Beast rises and paraphrases Shylock’s immortal words from The Merchant of Venice: “Hath Not a Mutant Eyes? If you prick us, do we not bleed?” His plea for empathy was shot down with more enthusiasm than X-Factor’s live action series.

I refuse to accept this impunity against unity, this dope against Hope. Someone call in Matt Murdoch and demand the mutant’s equality. What would the Xmen be without the men? The X-girls. And that would be insulting to Wolverine and Cable, though not so much Cyclops; I never really liked Cyclops. The hypocrisy of Marvel denying the Mutants their humanity in pursuit of the mighty dollar is what puts people like Norman Osborn in power, and this trial is the kind of anti-progressive thinking that keeps them in power. If the Mutants aren’t people, then neither are the Fantastic Four, nor Spider-Man, nor Power MAN, nor Giant MAN nor Ant MAN nor the Silver Surfer nor…the Hulk nor…Thor…oh…are there any humans in the Marvel Universe?

Nevermind.